So there was me thinking that the world of gay was a rainbow flag of versatility and unhindered sexual experimentation. I believed that we had transcended oppressive hetero-normative identities and we were free to give anything a go, as long as it didn’t involve kidnapping or Rohipnol (yes, I’m still looking at you Boy George) – not so! It seems quite a few men out there still like to assume the polarizing sexual roles of being either exclusively ‘top’ or ‘bottom’.
As we trudge our way through the crisis of masculinity, I witness the young gays of today dressing like their forefathers, or even their grandfathers; they appear to seek the comforting aesthetic of nostalgia through the medium of facial hair. Lots of beards. Beards are everywhere. Pop beards, hipster beards, otter beards, nerdy beards, it seems everyone who is anyone has got himself a beard, even George Clooney (a bid for the White House perhaps?). You’d think that with all this beard induced testosterone flying about, exclusively bottom guys would be less… Well, I don’t know, how can I put this…Um… ‘Bottomy’?
Last week I posted ‘Fucking Bottoms’ in an attempt to help out the strictly top guys who think ‘smashing the back doors in’ is aspirational. As the universe is all about balance, this week I pose the idea that,
NOBODY LIKES FUCKING A SLOPPY BOTTOM!
If you are one of those gay men who assumes that the whole world revolves around your hole, maybe you might want to think about a few things that can be disconcerting to the average Joe who’s kindly taken it upon himself to bum you into next week. Don’t get me wrong, I’m all about the power bottom (and more power to you); but, it’s one thing to own your sexuality and another to take into account the person attached to the cock that you are sitting on. If you haven’t figured this out yet, then maybe you need to stop reading this, head over to ‘Prowler’, and get yourself one of these bad boys.
I can’t speak for every gay man out there, I can only speak from my personal experience, so please feel free to disagree, but here are a few myths that I’ve encountered along the way that tend to make a bottom ‘bottom’.
1. TALKING LIKE A BITCHY, AIRHEAD ‘GIRLFRIEND’ IS SEXY:
Now before the gender police call me out on this one, please allow me to clarify. I have a pretty high voice; so, on the telephone I sound like a slutty old women; which proved useful when I worked the dirty phone lines back in the 90′s, but there is having a laugh with your mates and then there is ‘talking like a bitchy, airhead, ‘girlfriend’ while you are having sex. You might love all of those stories like ‘Gossip Girl’ or ‘Legally Blonde’ and why not? It’s a free world! You can watch whatever makes you happy. If, however, you find yourself echoing the lines of Karen from ‘Will and Grace’, or over-using words such as ‘like’, ‘wish’ or ‘whatever’ during sex – then you might want to take a step back and think about the definition of ‘man on man’ sex (hint – it doesn’t feature any of the stars of ‘Sex in the City’ including Samantha or Stamford Blatch).
2. MY SHIT SMELLS LIKE ROSES:
We live in an age when even the poorest of the poor can fashion a douche out of a discarded Evian water bottle, so really, there’s no excuse for a gritty ride – unless you’re into that sort of thing. Anal hygiene is pretty important. Too many enemas and powerful douches can be problematic – so don’t go hosing yourself down with bleach every 5 seconds, but you might want to spare a thought for what’s really going on back there and take a break to have a little rinse out.
3. CLINGING IS CARING:
Is it needy or just plain greedy? I admit; unless you’re an aspiring pop star, or you’ve recently been sent to an elite boarding school, having someone put their penis inside of you is a pretty big deal. You could say it’s one of life’s more intimate encounters. One of the wonderful lessons we can learn from the halcyon days of glory holes is that sometimes human contact can inhibit the process of penetration. The guy fucking you needs room to maneuver, and he might not want to come across as an insensitive rapist by suggesting that you don’t look at him or touch him. Don’t be afraid to get three dimensional in the space provided. If you want to grab hold of something while you’re being pounded, why not use a cushion or the edge of the bed? Alternatively, if you’re living the George Michael dream, why not grab a branch or the cistern or a passing lamp-post?
For more on utilizing the space around you read,
4. IT’S ALL ABOUT MY HOLE:
One of the more tantalizing mysteries of the universe is trying to decide where an object ends and a hole begins. Indeed, it seems crazy to think about, but you are made up of more space than physical matter. Your whole being consists of more gaps than a queue of supermodel’s smiles waiting to shoot up in the bogs of a trendy east London bar. There’s a fine line between playfully demanding what you want and being a ‘passive/aggressive’ nightmare, and often this line gets blown up a super model’s hoop in the name of ‘keeping the talent happy’; especially in the bogs of trendy east London bars. Anyway, I digress, nobody likes a spoiled, demanding princess in bed. Think of other ways that you can excite the man fucking you, or at the very least keep him interested, which brings me to my final point…
5. IT’S OKAY TO BE LAZY:
Get rid of the voice in your head that is telling you that the ‘active’ guy in this scenario needs to do all the work. The biggest mistake you can make is to assume that being ‘passive’ means that you can just lie there waiting to be pounded like a pig in an abattoir. Be creative! Work out ways to work your bottom and make it interesting for the guy who’s topping you. If he’s wearing a condom, the chances are he’s going to take a long time to come. Think about trying more athletic positions. Think about using your tongue or your hands to stimulate his joy zones.
Once again, communication is the key here people. We don’t have to be embarrassed about talking about sex. Don’t be afraid to experiment. Undoubtedly things will go wrong. My hope in writing this blog is that it will in some small way help to debunk the terrible myths that sanitize and dehumanize our sexual experiences. Perhaps we all need to be more prepared to laugh about these things and not take it all so seriously. I can’t speak for everyone, but I know it’s working for me. Sex should be fun, enjoy it!
For more sexy stories and embarrassing examples of what not to do, you might want to check out,
“Fucking Bottoms: Better Bumming Tips.”
“Fucking Arseholes.”
“Fucking Hypocrites.”
“Fucking Racists.”
“Fucking Idiots.”
I’ve also written a collection of literary short stories that have been banned in most Asian countries. Nightmare. However, it’s still available from Amazon and kindle, so check it out. You never know, you might just like it.
http://50shadygays.wordpress.com/2014/11/09/fucking-tops-better-bumming-tips/
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