Let’s face it, there’s a lot of available sex in the gay community, and it is very exciting thinking of the adventures on offer. But when does the pursuit of sex become an addiction?
Some of us are uncontrollably driven to get sex at the expense of doing so other things with our lives. We can waste a hell of a lot of time chasing sex and it can make us unhappy.
A close friend of mine wants to publish an anthology called, “There’s A Lot of Bad Sex Out There.” In his thinking, the sex at the end of the chase (if it actually eventuates) does not mirror his lustful expectations. Sex addiction is like that too, where the exciting ritual of getting sex outweighs the pleasure of eventually having it. In fact, when addicted to a sexual pursuit, it is normal to experience a ‘come down’ afterwards.
Do you think about sex all the time, with one sexual thought spinning into a ritual journey until sex is obtained? When eating breakfast you will look up your favourite hook-up app and send a wink or “Hey”. You get to work and still think about sex during meetings. You might masturbate at work and fantasise about sex by sneaking a look at porn in the office. Getting home, you spend hours telling lies and being someone else to get them interested in meeting you. If this is you, your mind has become addicted.
Let’s face it though, we need sex and we love it. Our body has a voice of its own, apart from our brain, and tells us to just do it. Try telling a teenager to stop masturbating when his body is constantly telling him to do it. We are horny and we want sex. What could be healthier than that? Sex however is just one aspect of our life, and should not be all consuming, preventing us from experiencing other things. Having an uncontrolled compulsion to have sex can be destructive.
Sex compulsion is different but similar to sex addiction but can be treated the same way. Sex compulsion is more about habitual behaviour. In other words your mind has created bad habits. You can use self-talk to stop sex compulsion and addiction, but the latter needs a lot more work.
Self-talk begins with writing down the values you want to hold about yourself and the direction you want to take from today onwards. If you also write down all the ritual steps you can see you have many opportunities during the ritual to stop the ongoing compulsion to pursue sex.
You can say, “No, I know where this leads. I will be wasting a lot of time trying to get something that isn’t that great anyway. I will limit the amount of time on porn. I will not use porn as a go-to every time I get bored. I will force myself and challenge my brain to find other things to do.”
The secret with addictions and compulsions is the less you do them, the greater control you achieve.
I had someone recently come to see me who fixed his sex compulsion in record time. He saw his sex compulsion at odds with his held self-image. He saw himself as not being the person doing it. The person craving the sex was the shadow side of his character that was contravening his positive belief system. He is now reunited with his boyfriend, family and friends, as he no longer holds the big secret that was keeping him apart from real life. His sex fantasy ritual was never really realised in the end, as it’s true… there’s a lot of bad sex out there.
Gerry North is a gay couples counselor and treats depression, anxiety, sexual matters and addictions. Contact him at gerrynorthcounsellor@gmil.com or www.gaycounselling.vpweb.com.au.
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